[Finding Out]
The last few weeks have been an emotional roller costar. Around July 4th I started to feel tired, cold, and simply not myself. I went 2 weeks just thinking I was sick or coming down with something, then I decided that I should go to the doctors to get tested for either hypoglycemia or a pregnancy test.
I have PCOS and have always thought that it would take a miracle to have a child. We had just come up with our two year plan which included him finishing college and me losing weight and creating a healthy lifestyle...and then trying for a baby. I had lost 40lbs from Jan 1st. - June 26th and that’s all it took for my body to slowly get a normal cycle and for my husband and I to start talking about what kind of birth control we were going to start using. Little did we know? I think most of the feelings that I took in finding out that I was pregnant was pure SHOCK, there is no other way to put it. I had been told my whole life that I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant or that if I wanted to do so it would take a lot of drugs and possibly other forms of TTC. I was so overwhelmed with the idea that I was all the sudden with child that it scared the living day lights out of me.
The day I found out I was going to have a baby was suppose to be a happy day; instead it turned out to be depressing to say the least. Things still aren't perfect. I was still in denial about it and felt I was not ready to take on this huge sacrifice being a mother. I know I am still selfish and young, but for me my main fear is that I am going to fail at being a mother. It’s more than that too. Am I going to be happy? Will I get there? Because I want to be happy! But how do I get there? Its sad to look back and think that I thought I would be a failure at motherhood. It takes a lot to fail. All you need is love and everything else just comes naturally. I am so happy being a mom...yes there are times when I am tired of changing diapers or standing and bouncing a sleepy baby to bed. But then he smiles or makes a cute noise and it all goes out the window. It didn't take much to get to 'happy' and I think most of it came through the prayers of friends and family.
Everything seems to be falling apart since we found out too. Our life was already changing for the better with the hubby only working till mid August, we won’t be making nearly as much as we normally do. Not even close. The Subaru is broken and it’s going to take $400.00+ to fix it and I quit my job because my boss is a heartless man and couldn't keep my on full time being pregnant. I did find a new job already, but its part time for now. After training they are going to see if I can get a managers position in the Valley that is full time. Prayers welcomed! Everything works its self out in some sorta of way, hubby got a winter job that he didn't hate, went to school full time and we made it work. I got the manager job in the valley that was crazy busy for the Christmas season and then I went back from my maternity leave to find my hours got cut from 36-24...sucks! But I love it [don't tell the hubby that] I hate it though too; that I am working. But the hours are perfect for now until I can find a way to be a WAHM. The Subaru is still broken, but drivable. Even thought hubs drives his POS to work in the summers, so the Subaru sits in the carport most of the time.
We also lost our insurance when I quit my job, not to mention that when we did have it, it only covered my first ultrasound. So we are trying to find out if we can qualify for Denali Kid Care, which I can't do until September because we made too much for the month of August. And if we can qualify for that then we will be bale to qualify for WIC. We qualify for DKC, but that was before hubby went back to work this summer. I am waiting for his first pay stub to get here so we can figure out if we are still going to be able to keep Olie on it. If not I am not sure what we are going to do. We didn't do WIC though, my thoughts were that there are other families out there that could use it more then we could [even though its not first come first serve]. I just felt that we were well off enough to not have to get it.
Like I said before, just seems like nothing is really working out in our favor. But all in all I know that we have so much support from the family and friends we have told. FYI we aren't telling people because with PCOS I have a 45% chance of a miscarriage. Things did work out. We had a healthy baby boy who we love more than anything [trust me...you don't act this silly and dumb for nothing]. He truly is our Little Miracle!
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